


Dear Friend

by SIX_Calavera (sicdog)



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Advice, Anxiety Disorder, Caleb is my security blanket so here's some security blanket drabble, Caleb made me feel better, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Felt some sad feelings, Fluff, Other, Vent Writing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:00:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27617326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sicdog/pseuds/SIX_Calavera
Summary: Sometimes your strength fails you...and sometimes you want to fail everyone else, just so you can finally leave the world behind. Caleb tries to help you in the best way he can, even if it's hypocritical....
Relationships: Caleb Widogast & Reader, Caleb Widogast/Reader
Comments: 2
Kudos: 31





	Dear Friend

There is a light creak of a wooden door, and a shy man enters through the doorway, he stands awkwardly near you, watching your back jerk and quake with sadness, crying as quietly as you can manage. A few anxious moments pass before he gathers the courage to speak,  
"Dear friend, I have...noticed you've not been yourself these days...is everything alright?"

You quickly wipe away some stray tears you couldn't manage to keep from falling, internally cursing at yourself for not locking the door to the balcony.  
You straighten your back, hoping Caleb will buy your response, "Oh, Caleb. Hi, yes I...I'm fine. Truly."

Unfortunately, Caleb can see that you are lying, It's clear as day to him and all too familiar. Caleb walks over to your side, you turn your head away from him but he catches your brows twitch in worry, he can hear your breaths are deep and melancholy. You look like you're in pain, but there hasn't been a battle in many days. What could be causing this? 

Caleb sighs, standing there in silence, 'Don't be dense, Widogast.' he thinks to himself, 'Something's happened...nothing to do with a fight.' 

Caleb grapples with the thought of leaving you on your own, giving you your space. But he forces himself to speak up, "You are not. I can feel it coming off of you in waves." 

Damn him for being so perceptive, he's not wrong. You are mourning, you are enraged, you are...tired. Your fears, your anxiety, the toll it wracks on your body and soul, it's exhausting. You want to lay down, you want to never move again, you want Caleb to leave you alone, you want everyone to leave you alone, to just be alone. You hate that he's found you like this, in a rare moment where you can't bury the pain deeply enough to keep it from being obvious. But it's your body's way of asking for help, when you refuse to seek it. 

But it's difficult not to be bitter, you want to be blunt, to yell at him to go away, accuse him of not caring. It's just...painful. in reality you think he could take the pain away, but you're too stubborn to ask him to. 

"I'm fine, Caleb. Please, just- I want to be alone." You respond, your tone short and frustrated, fist clenching at your thighs, fighting not to be passive aggressive. It isn't about him, after all. But he's here, and such an easy target to take frustrations out on, and he means so much to you. Sometimes when you care so much, it just pisses you off more. And you do care so much for him. You hate that you can't be stronger for him, when already has so much to deal with....

Suddenly, a soft cat takes a seat on your lap, purring, it's head bumping your chin as it searches for your attention, asking for your affections. He is so soft and warm, inviting you in, he gives you soft purrs and kind mewls, freely. The gentle creature cuddles you without any care or concern for your current state. And this nearly brings you to tears, you take comfort in the kind cat, petting him softly, losing yourself in the droning purrs emanating from him. 

"Hey, who's a good boy?" You manage weakly, nearly torn from your despair and toxic thoughts. A small, stubborn, ember taking hold of cold coal.  
"Hey, buddy..." you greet him again, tears strongarming their escape from your eyes, you almost want to bury your face in his soft fur and let yourself weep. But- you don't let yourself, still clinging to a stoic demeanor, and not wanting to traumatize the poor thing.

You feel a warmth next to you as Caleb sits near you, "Talk to me. Don't wallow in your poisons, my dear friend." He offers, giving you a pained sidelong glance, "I know- it's hypocritical of me to say that but...who knows better than the guilty party?" He chuckles half heartedly, a fleeting smile appears on his face but quickly vanishes when you don't look at him. His gaze lowers respectfully to his hands in his lap, burned and covered in bandages, "If that makes me the last person you want to talk to right now... well, just know that I- I worry." 

You swallow, a painful lump in your throat, "I know." Morosely petting Frumpkin, still silently hoping that Caleb will just get up and walk away. 

The kind cat cat purrs in your lap softly as Caleb reaches over to also give him a few scratches, Caleb continues, "So, will you tell me what troubles you?" 

Your eyes are puffy, dark circles beneath them, you suddenly feel sleepy, you thought for sure you'd stay up all night again, "No..." You whisper, "It will pass." 

Caleb hums softly, as if a fond memory randomly resurfaced, "I know you." He nods slowly, "Someone determined to get through everything themselves. We are very similar." Caleb sighs, absentmindedly curling a finger under Frumpkin's chin, "And I wish we weren't because I know how you are feeling. It's not- it is not an easy thing." 

Your brows quirk at his words, although you shouldn't be surprised at his understanding. You finally meet his eyeline from underneath furrowed brows and you simultaneously hate yourself for the worried look on Caleb's face. The way his brows come together in a remorseful expression, the wrinkles of concern on his forehead, you feel like apologizing, but instead you say, "Glad you understand." With forced sincerity, not yet ready to mean it, but accepting what it means to have said it at all. 

Caleb exhales thoughtfully, "Are you sure you won't speak with me, freund?" He asks carefully. 

You take the opportunity his persistent asking offers you, you want to tell him everything and luckily he doesn't give up easily, you shake your head with a huff, caving in to his presence, "Some- something I saw, a long time ago. Things that fear does to my body, I just- I can't always handle it." You respond vaguely, but you respond.  
"Caleb." You call to him. 

"Yes?" He responds, idly petting his cat that is now sleeping peacefully in your lap. 

"Do you believe we get what we deserve?" You ask, eyes red and bleary. 

Caleb swallows his brows knitting deeper as he is taken aback by the severity of your question. It's not something he himself likes to think about... He takes in your pained expression, your eyes are pleading, hoping he gives you an answer that will make you feel better. But he knows he doesn't have one.

"I- I." He stumbles. 

"You think you do, don't you?" You probe, "Well I think I do as well. I'm paying for things I've done." You shake your head, staring down enviously at Frumpkin's sleeping form, "I deserve this. Otherwise...what's the point? Why me? Why now? And why can't I escape it?" You finally have to hide your face in your hands, gasping slightly you conceal your tears and frustrations behind your fingers. Frumpkin is disturbed by your movement and paws at your arms. 

Caleb nervously rubs his knuckles, "I don't enjoy hearing you speak this way. Is this what I sound like?" He questions worriedly, a thin, anxious smile on his face. 

You nod, eyes watery still hidden behind your hands. 

Caleb smiles more loosely, he tilts his head in reminiscence, laughing inwardly at your hands over your face, 'I know I've grown but not so much as to find this amusing, have I? Perhaps a little, and only at how familiar it is- at how ironic it is to run away and find another like me.' He thinks to himself. 

He slowly curls his fingers around your hand, and you reluctantly allow him to pull your hands away from your face.  
Clasping your hands in his he squeezes gently, "I know much about pain." Your hands are cradled in his, the callouses from his fingers scrape against your own soft skin, "And the truth...even if I myself don't always accept it, is that...it doesn't choose. It does not choose us." Caleb wipes stray tears away with a coarse thumb, tucking a forefinger under your chin, prompting you to look at him, tears falling a bit more freely now but you've stopped caring, "The only certainty is that we have the power of choice. We choose. We choose to grow from it. To become stronger." 

You stare into Caleb's eyes, he seems so genuine, but you've seen him struggle as well, same as you. If he has all this sage wisdom in himself, how could he not follow it? You cringe at him slightly, "And you? Will you choose to grow?" You question, doubting him. 

Caleb swallows, pulling at his scarf and looking off to the side, he looks as though you caught him in a lie.

He presses his lips into a thin line, agonizing over what to say. It's true that he's guilty of wallowing, of enjoying the pain at some points. He doesn't want to lie, or to lecture you over something he too succumbs to, he's likely worse than you are... But, despite all that, he doesn't want you to cry...he doesn't want you to feel sadness, that's why it pains him all the more. To know how inescapable it is, and to want to help you. 

"I will try. If you will? I know I- I'm not one to talk but-" He smiles sadly, "We can help one another. Sometimes it's easier to remind others rather than ourselves. I will remind you when you falter, and you can remind me when I do, yes?" 

"Thank you, Caleb." You nod, surprised at how much easier it is to want to help someone other than yourself. But you suppose it's a good start, as long as it leads you back to yourself in the end. 

"I will be here, to help you carry your pain. If you will let me, fräulein." Caleb continues, "I am no stranger to it. Please do not be afraid to share it with me." He finishes, staring deep into your eyes with a determined optimism you never thought you'd see in him. 

You smile a tight, reserved, smile, "I will help you as well, Caleb. You bring me peace, you know that? Although I hoped you'd never see me this way." You look away, slightly ashamed, it never gets easier to open up this way. But it gets easier to accept that it helps....and it is getting easier, as you're using words with more syllables to communicate now. 

Caleb shakes his head stubbornly, auburn hair bouncing slightly. His eyes are intense underneath his brow, "Nonsense, I reject your attempts at hiding from me." 

You smile fleetingly, corners of your mouth tugging and then loosening, "Alright, but- don't tell the others, okay?" You roll your neck, staring up at the sky with a slight wince, "They might try to help...too much." You joke half-heartedly, it is a little scary thinking of having to deal with a Jester type reaction...

"Of course," Caleb sighs, seemingly reassured by your responses now, even if there's still some sadness in you...he's just happy you're speaking with him now... "The team doesn't have to be in on everything." He replies assuringly. 

A cool breeze pushes locks of auburn hair over Caleb's eyes, he tucks them back behind his ear before continuing, "You really are quite similar to me." He stares up at the sky now as well.

"Is that a good thing, or a bad thing?" You ask, the cold is starting to bother you now, now you want warmth...you weren't paying much attention before, letting the cold bite your skin freely. 

"Honestly..." Caleb starts, looking over at you, "Both. It is difficult to both love and dislike you." He answers honestly. 

You laugh bitterly at that, 'I'll take it.' you think, maybe it's not so bad to repel and attract someone at the same time...who knows, maybe one day you'll both be open to something more. Maybe. 

You finally take his hand in turn, squeezing, and meeting his eyes, "One day there will be peace inside us, Caleb. One day. I just hope I'm strong enough to see it." 

Caleb clasps your shoulder, "Strength isn't everything, dear friend. It's okay to be weak, there's a voice telling you that you must be strong, that pressure makes a diamond. But a diamond is made through more than pressure. There's so much more that makes you strong, other than stubbornness." Caleb rubs the faint stubble on his face, "I'm not strong either. I am scrawny but, would you say I am not a valuable member of this group?" 

You pout in contemplation, eventually slowly shaking your head, hanging onto his words. 

"I have my books, my mind. And in your case even your simple presence is enough to lift our spirits. Your strength can come from wherever you wish to draw it from, it doesn't have to be from a sense of obligation. Whoever you feel obligated to should come second to yourself." Caleb speaks with conviction, looking off into the stars, nodding his head punctuating his statements. 

You stare incredulously at Caleb, "You give such good advice but you never follow it yourself. You say nice things but I don't think you believe them. Not always." You shake your head at him, slightly disappointed... 

"A bad habit." Caleb sighs, "like I said, who knows better than the guilty? I couldn't have perspective without living it myself, thinking it myself" Caleb fiddles with the scarf around his neck, gripping it anxiously. 

"Well, I hope one day you won't need reminding." You smile inwardly, "Then maybe you won't sound like you're just trying to mimic Caduceus."

Caleb chuckles at that, causing Frumpkin's eyes to flutter open momentarily before falling back asleep, "I know. Unfortunately for you it was I that found you, not Caduceus." Caleb looks at you, his eyes sparkling in humor, "You could have had a nice hot cup of tea right now, instead of me being gloomy." His kind gaze pries a bubble of joy from within you.

You don't respond right away, you take in Caleb's words, his appearance, he is everything you judge within yourself. But then why would you be so attached to him, why would you care for him so much if there wasn't a part of you that loved...you. That loved you and all your flaws, and all his flaws... Perhaps then, you're already all you wish to be, you need only nurture it. 

"No Caleb. I'm glad it was you." You lean on him, a gentle stretch of both your boundaries but you feel you need it. He is strong and warm against you. 

Caleb wraps an arm around your shoulders, rubbing them gently. You were shivering, you didn't even notice until Caleb's warmth calmed it. 

"If you will have me, I will always be here for you." Caleb says, hand gently rubbing your back, consoling. 

You take hold of his scarf, tugging it gently, "I won't leave you either." 

Neither of you are in a hurry to leave the balcony, so you're both happy to sit there for a while, in the cold, but keeping each other warm. Sharing the silence of endless night.  
Just talking to yourselves...

**Author's Note:**

> I wasn't feeling too good, and Caleb is like comfort food for me. So, I wrote this and it made me feel better :)
> 
> It definitely didn't help that I was listening to Son Lux at the time! Lmao


End file.
